I tried to think of something really clever to say, some catchy and perhaps emo song lyrics that express my inner angst and my heart that just so happens to be black as the skin stretched into a bat's wings.. but, fortunately, I'm lacking the creativity needed to even look up song lyrics or to think of a simple anecdote.
Rich and I went to the zoo today. It was raining and quite enjoyable. Goats are cute and deer squat to pee.
Right now, everything is completely irrelevant.
"Take your pills, Anessa."
"Yeah, I will."
Rich and I came back home and got mom. We went to Cracker Barrel for lunch. It was good times. Fried apples are yummy. Rich bought me the big box of maple candy. Yay.
Pet store. The albino burm is on hold until close tonight. I'm quite upset, but I'm just hoping she's going to a loving home.
"Anessa. PILLS."
It feels as if I've wasted my entire weekend. All I want to do is sleep. And, I'm just hoping I won't have to wake up. My bed is really warm.
Last night at Dave and Missy's house I played with the dog. Hayden went with me and grandma. Uncle Dave was scared to death, but gradually held him. Hayden is an absolute doll. I love him. I had a vego fuck thing while we were there but I managed not to pass out. Thank goodness for sandwich baggies filled with salt.
Right now, I want to drink myself into oblivion. I want to cut so deep it would only take seconds for it all to be over. I want to see the person who would let me do it, just so I would learn to accept consequences.
"Dammit! Take your pills!"
I'm tired of hiding and I'm tired of feeling like so much crap. I'm beginning to think that no pills whatsoever are going to help me. I hate people and I hate to socialize. I don't want to move anymore. Really, I should be used to this. It's been years. Six or seven to be exact. Self-injury for three or four. Honestly, I'm not trying to be emo or scene or whatever the fuck you could possibly say about me. I believe I have a problem, but I don't think there is a solution so long as I'm more comfortable in this sort of situation than I am without some sort of shitty facade.
"If you don't take these right now, I'm killing the snakes."
I probably expect too much of people. Why on earth would they have to live up to the same standards that I set for myself? Why would I even expect them to?
"One.. TWO! Th-"
I feel so helpless.